Raising Children Who Thrive

Parenting can feel like navigating the waves of an unpredictable ocean. Just when you think you’ve learned how to ride the rising waves, the tide shifts and suddenly you’re plunging, drowning in the next onslaught of new advice.

There is a never-ending ocean of parenting advice that is often difficult to navigate. For many parents, it can feel like there is a new parenting style every other week. One week parents are told that responding to their children’s cries will spoil them, the next week parents are told that they should respond to every cry. 

From gentle parenting to traditional rule-based parenting, many parents are seeking clarity on the best ways to raise confident, well-adjusted children.

How can parents weather the storm of advice that constantly bombards them?

One simple answer can help parents see through the chaos to find clarity in guiding their children. Parents need only to follow this one simple truth to raise confident, resilient, kind children.

Children are not wired to obey; they are wired to connect! 

Here are four main ways to lead with connection:

1. Respond to their needs at all ages

Children should know that they can rely on you to be present and responsive. This does not mean giving children whatever they want —  this simply means acknowledging and responding to their needs. Some needs require being held for long periods of time, while other needs require being guided away from a poor choice.

2. Create enjoyable shared experiences

Make sure fun is a normal part of each day. Take an interest in the things they enjoy; laugh, imagine, create and develop routines of fun. Shared joy deepens emotional bonds and helps children feel valued and seen.

3. Learn about child development

Relationships flourish when parents understand child development. Parents often come into the parenting relationship with preconceived ideas of what their child “should” be like. If we are honest, we often forget what it feels like to be a child and don’t realize that so much our expectations come from the clarity that hindsight often brings once we are adults. 

Parenting should be age appropriate. Expecting a three-year-old to clearly explain their needs and feelings does not match their development. Learn about the general stages of child development from a trusted source such as books, academic texts or vetted websites. This information empowers parents to adjust their expectations to match the developmental age of their children. This small shift will help children to feel more connected to their caregivers, which will cause them to be more sensitive to their guidance.

4. Embrace a shared power model

Most of us were raised with an authoritarian model, where parents focus on dominance to achieve compliance from children. Today, so many parents have fallen into a permissive model, where parents focus on the child’s comfort by giving in to their wants and desires, which often leads to a lack of leadership and guidance from parents. These two extremes are not the only options. A shared power model in parenting can be very effective. This model highlights the importance of parents creating a safe environment for children to follow their guidance. The value of the parent’s direction is prioritized while the needs of their children are used to inform the parent’s leadership.

Every parent wants to see their children thrive — what can be difficult to navigate is how to reach that goal. The research is clear; when children feel connected to their caregivers, they feel safer to make mistakes, explore the world with confidence and are more likely to be emotionally stable. Leading with connection is a deceptively simple idea that helps parents find clarity in the sea of changing advice.

Always,

Dr. Calvina Ellerbe

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